


Drunk Ninjas

by Captain_Dogfish



Category: Zombies Run!
Genre: Alcohol, Gen, Hilarity Ensues, terrible decisions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-05
Updated: 2016-10-05
Packaged: 2018-08-19 18:06:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8220124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Captain_Dogfish/pseuds/Captain_Dogfish
Summary: A short story based on a clip titled "Drunk Ninjas" that I recently heard. A very drunk Sam and Maxine mess around with the radio equipment.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I noticed halfway through writing this that I switched tenses midway through the story. If you see a typo, I apologize. Also, I wrote this in one go (minus the proofreading round) so I also apologize in advance for my terrible writing. I'm not entirely used to writing a story where the dialogue is already written out for me, for the most part. Finally, I have never written about drunk people before (I've never had alcohol either) so any feedback is appreciated. I'm not kidding when I say I made this thing up as I went.

It was one of those nights where everybody collectively decided that the zombie apocalypse came second in “List of Things to Deal With,” trailing distantly behind that coveted number one spot of “Get Absolutely Hammered on Tequila.”

I was one of the few people who wasn’t completely drunk. There weren’t designated drivers anymore so much as there were designated runners, and I was scheduled for a run at the crack of dawn. Being drunk and/or hungover was not the best idea when running for your life, so here I was, sadly sober, while everybody else partied.

Sam and Maxine were by far the most drunk. To be honest, I didn’t think they had it in them to handle that much tequila. I kept an eye on them, exasperated by their ridiculous behavior. Idiots. I wished I had a video recorder so I could have a bit of blackmail for the future.

I turned when Eugene shouted my name. Like me, he wasn’t drunk. He was going to be my operator in the morning, actually. He limped over, not caring whose feet he squashed with his crutches since absolutely nobody would remember the incident in the morning, and settled onto a bar stool next to me. “How’s it going?”

“You see these idiots?” I asked, jerking my head in Maxine and Sam’s direction.

“Oh yeah, I was watching them from the other side of the room. Wish I had a camera, honestly. Have you seen Jack?”

“Nah, I haven’t,” I said, standing on tiptoe to peer around the crowded room. “Hang on—he’s in the back corner, with Ed.”

“Ed’s here? Wonder who’s looking after Molly?” Eugene craned his neck, looking in the direction I indicated. He waved his hand a few times when Jack glanced in our direction. “There, Jack saw us. He’s coming over. He’s still walking straight. Mostly”

I bit my tongue on a very sarcastic and innuendo-y comment. “Yeah, looks like.”

Eugene gave me a sidelong glance before sighing and shaking his head. “Jesus, you’re all terrible.”

“I didn’t say anything!”

“And you aren’t even drunk as an excuse!”

“I didn’t _say_ anything!”

“You thought it, though, I could tell!”

“You thought it too!” I counter-accused, and we both started to laugh.

“What’s the joke, then?” Jack said once he was near enough.

Eugene waved a hand, dismissing the question. His eyes narrowed in consternation when he caught sight of the contents of Jack’s chipped mug. “I leave you alone for five minutes and you sneak some moonshine off of Ed. How drunk are you?”

“Me?” Jack said, placing a hand over his heart in mock outrage. “Drunk? I resent the accusation!”

“Not near drunk enough yet,” Eugene muttered, grinning as he ducked away from Jack’s swat. “You see Maxine and Sam? They’re absolutely _pissed_.”

“Nah, where are they?” Jack said, turning around amiably.

I leaned to the side, once again rising up on tiptoes. “Shit. Where’d they go?”

“Better find ‘em quick, Five. God only knows what kind of trouble they’ll get into in their state.” Eugene kept his voice carefully neutral, but we both knew the days of carefree drunken wandering were long over.

I slipped through the crowd, ducking out into the chilly night air. I started off down the most likely path, towards both the hospital and the comms shack, hoping old habits died very hard.

I heard them ahead of me, not long after that. Sam was rattling at the locked door of the comms shack, clearly trying to get in. His fingers were clumsy as he slid the key into the padlock.

Maxine helpfully shushed him as he fought with the rusty metal. “Shhhh! ShhhSSSSHhhhhhshsSHSHH!” Her shushing voice rose up and down in pitch, a mark of her inebriation.

“No no no no no it’s fine!” Sam said, sounding surprisingly normal. “Look, we’re in.”

Maxine doesn’t sound nearly as normal as he does. Her voice changes pitch a half dozen times as she talks, words slurring together every once in a while. “No, but ssshhh! What if we get caught? They’ll be back soon!”

“Pppffffttt! We’re not gonna get caught? We are… stealthy.” Sam sounded like he was trying very hard to keep his composer and come up with an accurate simile for their situation. “Like… Ni-Ninjas.”

I could practically see the wheels turning in Maxine’s head. “Yeaaaahhhh, like….” She trailed off for half a second before shouting triumphantly, “DRUNK NINJAS!”

Sam made a noise of surprise.  “Huh! Are you… drunk?”

Even in the dark I could see Maxine nodding her head, very enthusiastically agreeing to Sam’s observation. “I am SOOOOO druuuunnnkkk?” The last word trailed upward like a question, as if she’d forgotten how she started that sentence and wasn’t sure she was ending it correctly.

Sam snorted, clearly unimpressed. “Because, like, you hadn’t mentioned that 10 or 11 times in the past hour, so I wasn’t sure.”

Maxine made a whining sound, sounding pitiful. “Oh, Sam, you are mean! I don’t know why I’m friends with you.”

“Because you’re drunk.” I stifled my laughter at Sam’s matter-of-fact tone, too interested in seeing this scenario play out to risk blowing my cover. “Now come on, come on let’s do this.”

They both slipped not-so-quietly into the shack, leaving the door open. I followed silently, being careful not to trip over anything. Sam had left the place a mess, as usual, but the two of them didn’t seem to care as they tripped their way through the room. Sam found the lamp on the desk and managed to switch it on.

Maxine made a beeline for the ratty old couch near the back wall. “Oh, I’m just gonna sit here, just for a little minute.” She collapsed on the couch, facedown amongst the musty pillows.

Sam didn’t seem to notice her behavior. “Ok…. ok hang on. Wait a minute. Oh! Oh! The mic is still on!”

I raised an eyebrow at that comment. Last people in here were Jack and Eugene. It occurred to me, then, that Drunk-Sam and Drunk-Maxine thought they were cleverly sneaking in on a radio break. Or at least cleverly sneaking in to mess around.

Maxine made a very unhappy sounding noise. “Ahh! Janine will not be happy about time--wasting her batteries.” She trailed off, sounding more than a little loopy.

Sam waved his hands rather clumsily, clearly trying to wave away her concerns. “Never mind about that, come on.” He sat heavily in one of the chairs, nearly losing his balance and tipping over. Once he was sitting relatively securely in his chair, he cleared his throat a few times. Then, in the worst impression of Eugene that I’d ever heard, said, ”Hello, Radio Abel listenerrrrrssssrrrssss!”

He alternated back and forth between the “r” and “s” sounds, dragging out the word for as long as he had the breath to do so. I pressed my hand against my mouth, stifling my choked laughter.

Maxine giggled and clumsily rose from the couch. She staggered comically as she made her way to the other chair, dropping into it in much the same manner Sam did. She giggled again before saying, in her own terrible impression of Jack, “Heelllllooooo listeners!” She dropped her voice a little deeper before continuing. “And welcome to rad-ee-ooh A-bell!”

In the corner, I silently slid to the ground, choking on silent laughter. I clutched my sides, my entire body heaving as I fought to keep quiet. God only knows why she made every syllable long and tortured, but it was the funniest thing I’d heard all night.

Sam looked momentarily confused. “Wait, is that – oh, I am Eugene Woods! And this is my partner… Uh—oh—“ he poked Maxine a few times in the shoulder, clearly exasperated at her lack of attention.

“What? Oh! Yeah, uh, I am, Jack Holden!” She modulated her voice again, this time doing a terrible impression of a sexy drawl. “Hello listeners.”

I couldn’t quite hear what Sam muttered after that sentence, but he was too consumed with chuckling into his sleeve to bother repeat himself.

Maxine tried to sit up a little straighter, looking very drunkenly dignified.  “We are here tonight to talk to you about—“

I jumped a little when I heard footsteps running outside, and then the door was thrown wide open. It was Jack, looking absolutely irate. “Oi!” He barked, glaring at Sam and Maxine.  “Get off of that mic, you idiots!”

Maxine and Sam burst out laughing. Maxine’s laughter bordered on cackling, actually. I started to laugh as well, finally allowing myself to make some noise, overcome by the comic hilarity that was Jack, ginger hair standing on end, trying to order about the two most drunken people in Abel Township. He jumped a little when he realized I’m sprawled uselessly in the corner, laughing my head off, and flipped me the bird. He tried to say something to me, probably something along the lines of, “why’d you let them do this” but I couldn’t hear him over the echoing laughter.

Sam quickly grabbed the microphone. “Oooo! We have to go, listeners! Stay tuned –“ he trailed off into laughter again.

Maxine slumped over on the desk, laughing so hard they were probably crying.

Jack made an exasperated gesture, looked at me for assistance, found none, and turned his attention back to Sam. “What are you even—come on, shift!” He made a shooing motion with his hands, as if Sam and Maxine were annoying pigeons he was trying to scare away.

Maxine got to her feet, still laughing hysterically. Sam leaned into the microphone one last time even as Jack attempted to wrestle the mic out of his hands. “Stay safe out there!”

Maxine staggered towards the door, wiping her eyes on her sleeve as she went. “I’m gonna wet myself!”

Sam followed after her, laughing just as hard. Jack switched off the recording equipment while I tried to get my laughter under control. I couldn’t keep my giggling entirely contained, but I did get to my feet to help Jack finish up. My face hurt from smiling so much.

“You—you!” Jack shook a finger in my direction when I appeared at his elbow, straightening the desk. He shook his head in disgust, clearly unable to come up with a good enough insult. Once we finished, I followed him from the shack, locking the door behind me.

“That was the best,” I said as we walked back towards the party, trailing distantly behind Maxine and Sam. I giggled a little more at the memory.

“Idiots,” Jack grumbled. “Could have damaged the equipment—oh!”

“What?”

“The equipment. It was recording.”

“So you got _everything_?” I demanded, incredulous.

“Yep. And I’m gonna play it on the Radio tomorrow.”

“Probably you should keep it as blackmail,” I suggested. “Never know when you’re gonna need a big and probably illegal favor.”

Jack nodded his head, looking surprised, and I suddenly remembered he’d been drinking tonight as well. I didn’t stop and think about what he might need to blackmail the doctor for, either. “Oooh, you’re right! Great idea, Five!”

I couldn’t help smiling to myself as we rejoined the party, which was still in full swing. While Jack told Eugene of the shenanigans that had occurred, the indignation in his voice rising with every word, I helped myself to the remainder of Jack’s moonshine. I might be the first runner on duty in the morning, but this little piece of blackmail gold deserved a celebratory drink.


End file.
